flashbacks
I'm sitting alone in the bedroom of my parent's house for the first time in a while. I feel like I can finally relax...sort of. It's strange coming home to Hardy's empty (and clean for the first time in months!) room, no smell of cigarette smoke from my mom and no pitter patter of my dad's shoes. The cats greeted me at the door, which was a good sign considering what happened to me this morning...
I woke up in the house alone and got ready for work as normal, but sans the brief interactions with my family. Apparently one of my cats got out when mom and my sister left, so I had to wrangle Blakely. Then I had to dummy check everything... was the coffee pot off? Did I lock the backdoor when I let Blakely back in? Did the front door close all the way? Did I forget anything? Without my personal asisterant (sister/assistant) and my parents, I had no one to call if I needed something. I don't have that in Wilmington, but have become accustomed to it here. Now I'm running late for work.
Just as I'm about to leave, I notice the alarm flashing Not Ready. Something was open. I rushed around the house checking all the doors again. Nothing. I ran upstairs and the attic door was half open. Immediate flashbacks. Feelings of panic resinating from the time before when a door opened mysteriously. Only that time someone was on the other side and tried to murder me. I felt all those emotions rushing back as if it was all going to happen again like a flash before my eyes. I screamed for the cats, making sure they didn't get inside. I didn't see anything, thank God, so I closed the door and ran downstairs looking for the cats. Found them both. Wasn't sure what happened, maybe the door wasn't shut all the way and Buddy pawed it open? He does like it in there. Regardless, I was rushed for work and had to go. I felt very strange leaving for work not knowing really what happened.
I rush off to work like a lunatic. Not a good way to start the day. Made a few mistakes this morning and felt really stupid. Again I was the lone PA on the early shift, so I had to be in five places at once. Not to mention I was tired and had a headache. My head wasn't at work; it was at home. Early in the day, I lost it...fell apart. After the third person asked me if I was okay, I started crying. You don't cry on set. Embarrassing. I couldn't explain myself because it's so complicated. My family is all gone and a door opens on it's own. My Dad has been so paranoid about me being alone in this house and it's apparently rubbed off on me. Having the house alone in Huntington, although not on Whitaker where it happened, is a bit strange. I don't feel safe like I do in Wilmington. I'm scared at night here.
After one suffers a brutal attack or is a victim of violence will never be the same again. There is this heightened sense of awareness, yet lack of control of when those panicked moments will occur. You're like a ticking time bomb. I haven't had a flashback in several years and this one wasn't fun. It felt like I was going to barf. In an instant, I thought someone was in the house, I'm going to die, the fucker is going to kill me, steal all my families things and leave the doors open so the cats get out into the streets. These are my thoughts at 7:45 this morning.
Now I'm at home, alive, about to make dinner with some leftovers gifted to me by the food stylists. What nice, polite British ladies! I love when I get to help them on set! I'm going to make a pasta dish with shitake mushrooms, spinach and green onions. Yum! It will be nice to cook a meal without interruptions and have a little moment of silence in a killer free house. My cats are content and roaming about as normal, so I know there is no perpetrator in proximity...they would sense it. Sigh of relief!
I woke up in the house alone and got ready for work as normal, but sans the brief interactions with my family. Apparently one of my cats got out when mom and my sister left, so I had to wrangle Blakely. Then I had to dummy check everything... was the coffee pot off? Did I lock the backdoor when I let Blakely back in? Did the front door close all the way? Did I forget anything? Without my personal asisterant (sister/assistant) and my parents, I had no one to call if I needed something. I don't have that in Wilmington, but have become accustomed to it here. Now I'm running late for work.
Just as I'm about to leave, I notice the alarm flashing Not Ready. Something was open. I rushed around the house checking all the doors again. Nothing. I ran upstairs and the attic door was half open. Immediate flashbacks. Feelings of panic resinating from the time before when a door opened mysteriously. Only that time someone was on the other side and tried to murder me. I felt all those emotions rushing back as if it was all going to happen again like a flash before my eyes. I screamed for the cats, making sure they didn't get inside. I didn't see anything, thank God, so I closed the door and ran downstairs looking for the cats. Found them both. Wasn't sure what happened, maybe the door wasn't shut all the way and Buddy pawed it open? He does like it in there. Regardless, I was rushed for work and had to go. I felt very strange leaving for work not knowing really what happened.
I rush off to work like a lunatic. Not a good way to start the day. Made a few mistakes this morning and felt really stupid. Again I was the lone PA on the early shift, so I had to be in five places at once. Not to mention I was tired and had a headache. My head wasn't at work; it was at home. Early in the day, I lost it...fell apart. After the third person asked me if I was okay, I started crying. You don't cry on set. Embarrassing. I couldn't explain myself because it's so complicated. My family is all gone and a door opens on it's own. My Dad has been so paranoid about me being alone in this house and it's apparently rubbed off on me. Having the house alone in Huntington, although not on Whitaker where it happened, is a bit strange. I don't feel safe like I do in Wilmington. I'm scared at night here.
After one suffers a brutal attack or is a victim of violence will never be the same again. There is this heightened sense of awareness, yet lack of control of when those panicked moments will occur. You're like a ticking time bomb. I haven't had a flashback in several years and this one wasn't fun. It felt like I was going to barf. In an instant, I thought someone was in the house, I'm going to die, the fucker is going to kill me, steal all my families things and leave the doors open so the cats get out into the streets. These are my thoughts at 7:45 this morning.
Now I'm at home, alive, about to make dinner with some leftovers gifted to me by the food stylists. What nice, polite British ladies! I love when I get to help them on set! I'm going to make a pasta dish with shitake mushrooms, spinach and green onions. Yum! It will be nice to cook a meal without interruptions and have a little moment of silence in a killer free house. My cats are content and roaming about as normal, so I know there is no perpetrator in proximity...they would sense it. Sigh of relief!
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