fork in the road
For as long as I can remember I have a set my clock ahead in my bedroom 30 minutes to psych myself into thinking I'm not getting up at ridiculous:30 when I teach. I have not taught at all yet this year and quite frankly, I'm hoping I don't have to. This will be my fourth year subbing and I'm already burnt out. It's stinky that I can't file for unemployment when I'm a registered sub. If there aren't jobs or it's summer, I don't have opportunities to work...hence I don't get paid. Sometimes I wish I could be the lesser citizen, pull out of the system and collect unemployment while I redraft my screenplay. What great daydream!
So now there are some issues with my current job opportunity. We are attempting to sort it out, but as I understand the reasoning, I cannot comprehend the timing. My bags are packed, my mail already forwarded, house clean, said my goodbyes...and I'm waiting for word. I'm supposed to leave tomorrow and am in limbo. Whatever happens happens and will happen for a reason, but right now it doesn't make much sense. Sometimes when I want something so badly, I get this feeling that it's not going to pan out or I'm going to kick it before I get there. I don't feel great about the fact I saw not 11:11 twice already today, but 11:12. Once on my bedroom fast forward clock and once for real on my vcr (yes, I still have one of those!) That's not so lucky...
Pre-anxiety is a trait that I possess and don't care for too much about myself. However in this situation, I'm not as much stressed (because I'm prepared to walk out the door) as I am annoyed at the waiting game. I've turned down other opportunities and have sacrificed time running around like a lunatic tying up loose ends to prepare for my departure. If I don't leave, my writing time has been wasted on packing...and unpacking to clean the suitcase my lovely geriatric cat peed all over and had to wash thrice. The point is, time is precious and there isn't a lot of it. I would like to spend it productively, not doing and redoing things time and again.
On the bright side, my house is clean. Regardless of the outcome, I get to spend one more day in my favorite city of Wilmington. The thought of ever leaving this place permanently doesn't cross my mind. I have found a city where I can be myself and accomplish my goals within reasonable measures. If this McJob out of town doesn't work out, then the sun is still bright on this side. I will simply shift my focus back onto getting this feature made. There is so much still left to do and I desperately need to finish draft 9 so I can come up with a budget. My hopeful UPM is back in town for a blink of an eye, so perhaps this can happen soon. I firmly believe all things happen for a reason, so if this turn ends up being a U-turn... I will let the universe magnetize me down my destined fork in the road.
So now there are some issues with my current job opportunity. We are attempting to sort it out, but as I understand the reasoning, I cannot comprehend the timing. My bags are packed, my mail already forwarded, house clean, said my goodbyes...and I'm waiting for word. I'm supposed to leave tomorrow and am in limbo. Whatever happens happens and will happen for a reason, but right now it doesn't make much sense. Sometimes when I want something so badly, I get this feeling that it's not going to pan out or I'm going to kick it before I get there. I don't feel great about the fact I saw not 11:11 twice already today, but 11:12. Once on my bedroom fast forward clock and once for real on my vcr (yes, I still have one of those!) That's not so lucky...
Pre-anxiety is a trait that I possess and don't care for too much about myself. However in this situation, I'm not as much stressed (because I'm prepared to walk out the door) as I am annoyed at the waiting game. I've turned down other opportunities and have sacrificed time running around like a lunatic tying up loose ends to prepare for my departure. If I don't leave, my writing time has been wasted on packing...and unpacking to clean the suitcase my lovely geriatric cat peed all over and had to wash thrice. The point is, time is precious and there isn't a lot of it. I would like to spend it productively, not doing and redoing things time and again.
On the bright side, my house is clean. Regardless of the outcome, I get to spend one more day in my favorite city of Wilmington. The thought of ever leaving this place permanently doesn't cross my mind. I have found a city where I can be myself and accomplish my goals within reasonable measures. If this McJob out of town doesn't work out, then the sun is still bright on this side. I will simply shift my focus back onto getting this feature made. There is so much still left to do and I desperately need to finish draft 9 so I can come up with a budget. My hopeful UPM is back in town for a blink of an eye, so perhaps this can happen soon. I firmly believe all things happen for a reason, so if this turn ends up being a U-turn... I will let the universe magnetize me down my destined fork in the road.
Comments